Fine Ear Hairs
Tone is a Leadership Superpower; Harness it for Good
“My wife has these fine ear hairs that detect something in my voice that I never knew existed.”
You can thank my brother-in-law, Ron, for that gem of a line. I had been married about a year when I first heard him espouse that wisdom.
Despite the smirk on his face, he was sincere when he said it. He wasn’t trying to give his wife a hard time but trying to help me.
He’d learned a lesson and was trying to assist a young man. He was like the guy on the Farmer’s Insurance commercial. “I know a thing or two because I’ve seen a thing or two.”
Here I am, twenty years later, and I have two observations. I also “know a thing or two because I’ve seen a thing or two.”
One. My wife has the same “fine ear hairs” as his wife. They are sisters, after all. Is it genetics? Not at all. Which leads to my second observation.
Two. My wife and his wife are no different than any other human on the face of the planet. Everyone has these “fine ear hairs.”
It’s been said, “Words matter.” I agree with that. However, I think that idea is a little too narrow. Our words certainly matter, but I believe our tone matters more. That’s what these fine ear hairs can detect. Tone.
Let me quickly define tone. Tone is “the elements of language that communicate identity, mood, and personality.” Said another way, tone is not what you say but how you say it.
If you are a leader, tone is especially relevant to you. Your ability to build camaraderie, loyalty, buy-in, and influence has much to do with tone. When it comes to influencing others, few things are more potent than your tone of voice.
Your tone impacts what others hear. When your tone and words don’t match, people will interpret your message based on tone, not your words (this was Albert Mehrabian’s conclusion).
Tone is what people react to. This is because we can all sense how others feel towards us. This is part of our subconscious, and we do it without realizing it.
I like to think about tone on a spectrum. On one end, you have harmony. On the other end, you have friction.
Tones that produce harmony:
Caring
Hopeful
Calm
Optimistic
Curious
Respectful
Trustworthy
Self-depreciating
Humble
Tones that produce friction:
Irritated
Angry
Parental
Controlling
Pessimistic
Fearful
Doubtful
Critical
Prideful
Tone is to a human what a tail is to an animal. Your tone is an outward indication of your internal state.
So, what? Is there anything we can do to improve our tone? Thankfully, yes. Here are a few quick ideas.
Feedback - you need to know how others perceive your tone, so get some feedback.
Desire - you have to want to change it. No desire, no change.
Explore - you must examine what’s happening in your subconscious, causing a tone that garners friction rather than harmony.
What do you believe about yourself?
What do you believe about others?
What do you believe about your circumstances?
What needs are you not communicating to others?
Volume - sometimes, just lowering your volume can produce significant benefits.
Speed - similar to volume, slowing down changes your tone.
Humor - so much to say here, but suffice to say, sometimes humor comes across as mean, so be careful here.
Body language - not only do we all have fine ear hairs, but we also have great filters in our eyes that pick up feelings by watching body language. Again, so much to say here. Listen to this podcast episode for a longer discussion on this topic.
Market your tone - I have found that declaring my intent is a helpful way to ensure my tone is not misinterpreted. “I’m about to say something stronger than I’m feeling…” “I know that sounded harsh, but I’m not mad or upset; I’m trying to make a point…”
Words matter; tone matters more. Tone is a superpower that influences your capacity to lead well. Harness tone’s power for good, and your team will thank you.