On Pity Parties
I'm naturally introverted, but I still enjoy a good party now and again. Good food, good friends, good moods. To me, a good party can be good for the soul.
But I’ve learned something about myself recently, and it’s embarrassing. My favorite kind of party is a Pity Party.
Aren’t Pity Parties the best? The self-indulgent sorrow. The blame. The excuses. The cynicism.
I mean, throwing Pity Parties could be listed in my skills profile on LinkedIn. I can throw one of the best in town.
Yet, I haven't thrown a Pity Party in months. Upon reflection, I've figured out why.
I have met the ultimate Pity Party party-pooper. His name is Personal Agency.
What do I mean by Personal Agency? I mean "the sense that I am the one who is causing or generating an action."
Personal Agency has been the object of my intellectual curiosity this year. To be clear, this happened by accident. Had I known this dude would stop me from throwing Pity Parties, I would have completely ignored him.
For some reason, Personal Agency won't leave me alone. He keeps showing up in the books I'm reading this year:
Personal Agency shows up in each of those books. They each address how important it is to feel like you are in the driver's seat of your actions. I'm sure this is simply the Baader-Meinhof phenomenon in action, but it's too noticeable to ignore.
After a few months of hanging out with Personal Agency, I can say I'm not mad at him. I like how he's changed my life. My Pity Parties were epic, but I'm not sure they added much long-term value to my life.
I've come up with three reasons why I will continue partying with Personal Agency. Three ways he’s been helping me.
One, Personal Agency keeps the right things on my to-do list. I have a terrible habit of putting things on my mental to-do list that I don't control. Things like:
Sell more copies of The Edge.
Get invited to deliver more keynote messages.
Sign a new book deal.
That list is fine, but I don’t control those outcomes. I can't force people to buy the book, hire me for their next event, or sign me to a new book deal.
But that’s not the end of the story. Just because I can't control the outcomes doesn't mean I have no control.
Personal agency is causing me to approach these items differently. Now, I put everything I encounter in one of two categories: (1) things I do control OR (2) things I don't control. Yes, I don't control all the outcomes listed above, but I'm not powerless:
If I want to sell more books…I need to increase my marketing efforts.
If I want to be invited to speak more…I need to keep building relationships and reaching out to event planners.
If I want to get a new book deal…I need to write a killer book proposal and start shopping it around.
I’m fretting way less about outcomes I don’t control. Now that I'm partying with Personal Agency, I regularly focus on activities I can control.
Two, Personal Agency reminds me I'm not a victim. Two weeks ago, I was journaling about something that was bothering me. I lamented for a few sentences and then wrote, "There's nothing I can do about this..."
Immediately, Personal Agency whispered in my ear, "That's not true.” He was right. I mean, it was creepy that he whispered in my ear. But he was right.
That is why I liked Pity Parties so much. Once I thew one, I no longer had to do any work.
For me, a Pity Party is the opposite of responsibility and action. If I feel like a powerless victim, I get to throw my hands up and watch YouTube Shorts for the rest of the day.
I watch less YouTube now that I'm partying with Personal Agency. My screen time is way down.
Third, Personal Agency keeps me engaged with life. I don't mean to sound dark and foreboding, but I easily feel discouraged. All it takes is one look at my daily newspaper. Discouragement is typically the cause of my Pity Parties.
Bad news about the economy? Get the Pity Party playlist ready.
Is a prospective client ignoring me? Order my favorite Pity Party Platter from the grocery store.
Haven't sold a book in three days? Get the drinks ready because this Pity Party is about to go down.
Personal Agency is changing all of this. Now, when I feel discouraged, I remind myself of what I control, that I'm not a victim, and I get moving. Movement is always a clue that I’m engaged.
I loved my Pity Parties, but all I’m left with are the memories. I miss them, honestly, but I will keep partying with Personal Agency for a while. He’s got some more things to teach me.