Say What Needs to be Said
Giving feedback, when you'd rather not
I have a problem. I avoid telling people when they upset me. Have you ever avoided a tough conversation only to have it explode later? I know I have.
Here’s how it plays out. Every time someone bothers me, it’s like picking up a rock.
A small annoyance? That’s a pebble.
A bigger frustration? That’s a hefty stone.
Over time, I end up carrying a bag full of rocks. I convince myself I can handle it—until I can’t. Eventually, the load gets too heavy, and I drop the bag. Cue explosions, emotions, and regret.
I never felt comfortable saying what needed to be said, so I avoided it in creative ways: Ignoring the issue, venting to others (aka gossiping), or waiting until my emotions boiled over. None of it worked.
This pattern didn’t just affect my personal life; it bled into my professional life, too. Once, I called my manager an “a**hole.” His stunned reply? “No one has ever said that to me.” I should’ve been fired on the spot.
This wasn't just an awkward moment—it was a wake-up call. My inability to communicate was costing me relationships and career progress.
Leadership, as we all know, is about relationships. And relationships require honest communication—even when it’s hard.
My problem and my desire for career progress couldn't coexist. Fortunately, career progress won out, and I faced my problem head-on.
I realized I needed a way to make hard conversations feel less risky. I needed a script, a formula. That’s when I created the ThreeIQ System 1. It's an easy way to say what needs to be said, especially if these conversations make you a little antsy.
Intent: Start by clarifying why you’re having the conversation.
Incident: Describe what happened.
Impact: Share how it affected you or the team.
Question: End with, “That’s how I see it—I’m curious to know how you see it?”
That’s it. Simple, direct, and effective.
Not everyone loves hard conversations. However, with the right plan, anyone can master them.
As leaders, it's our job to say what needs to be said. So, start small, be courageous, and watch your relationships—and leadership—transform.
What conversations are you avoiding? Try the ThreeIQ System, and let me know how it works for you.
1As we all know, there's nothing new under the sun. My ThreeIQ System is a confluence of things I’ve learned from Jeff Strese and LeeAnn Renninger.
P.S. Struggling with feedback? Helping teams learn how to give and receive feedback is one of my most requested topics. If you'd like to explore how I can bring this to life for your team, just hit "reply," and let’s chat about how we can make it happen!